LEARN TO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
Last Updated on March 27, 2021 by ELLEASH
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This post will be all about learning how to THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK and how to deal with people who are incredibly intrusive and just don’t have a socially acceptable filter. There will also be awesome TIPS TO TEACH OUR KIDS (and ourselves!) HOW TO THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK and finally, a few suggestions on HOW TO DEAL WITH INTRUSIVE QUESTIONS.
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Hey hey my lovely entrepreneurs,
Have you ever had someone ask you a question, that is often seen as innocent, but really makes you feel awful?
I bet you all have had that one question that led your blood to boil, question your sanity, downright miserable, or just made you want to thump sense into the querier.
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The innocent question
A few days ago, my daughter asked me when she was going to have a little brother or sister.
It took me aback, as it as really out of the blue! In between helping her put her shoes on and rushing out the door for a school run!
We have never envisioned having another child and have never mentioned not having a second child, in front of her.
I thought that when she would see her friends’ moms with a big belly, the birds and the bees conversation would come up – but nothing.
Then, when she had playdates and she saw her friends’ little sisters or bothers, she would mention having a sibling. Again, nothing.
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The left-hook that hurt
So, naïvely I just thought she wouldn’t breach the subject again. But she did and I was absolutely unprepared!
There wa no prelude, no preemptive strike, nada. Just like a left-hook coming out of nowhere!
And it completely threw me off-kilter. The left-hook kinda hurt a lot too. Hurt because her innocent question pulled at a string that I thought I had long tied-up and put in a cute little compartment in my head.
The first time I became pregnant, I was super young and had a miscarriage.
So, I told myself that if, and/or when, I did eventually become pregnant, and that I was able to carry it through to my due date, I would only have one.
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This post isn’t about going over a traumatic moment in my life, but is focused on the consequences an innocent question can have on someone – no matter who asks it, teaching our little ones to learn to think before they speak and also tips to help them (but also ourselves!) do just that.
What are the consequences of asking “innocent” questions & inappropriate comments?
If we go back to little C’s innocent question, her reason for wanting a little brother or sister (although she did specify it was a little sister!) – is that she wants someone to play with.
Which, in hindsight, is fair enough.
It’s true that we don’t often have time to get down and dirty in the sand pit, or jump on the trampoline as much as she would like us too.
Mind you, I would certainly love to be able to drop everything I’m doing (especially that zoom conference – yup, COVID-19 y’all) and jump on the trampoline with her.
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Having a second child has never been on my agenda, because of afore-mentioned reason.
Yet, I completely understand people who want, or already have, large families. And I am certainly not wanting to offend the women, who are trying to get pregnant and can’t, or upset those who have lost a bubba.
I am just giving my 2 cents worth on a societal topic and trying to explain that sometimes innocent questions can have the opposite effect intended and that we have to learn to think before we speak.
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Today, women have the privilege of choosing whether or not they wish to have children.
Not only are we able to choose IF we want any, but we are also damn lucky enough to choose WHEN!
And again, that is for women who are able to become pregnant, or want to become pregnant.
So why is it women still have to justify themselves when asked the question:
“ So when is X having a little brother or sister? ”.
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Firstly, let me just point out how insensitive that question is.
To the one posing it, do you even know if a second is even possible?
Maybe we have tried and the pregnancy just hasn’t happened?
Or we have tried and we have lost the baby?
Or we just don’t want another child for whatever valid and personal reason!
Secondly, why is that question even asked in the first place??
Why is it that some people – talking about adults here, not little kids who would like someone to play with! – find it okay to ask such a personal question??
I wasn’t even close to getting the hang of breast-feeding, most often up to my eyeballs in “poonami” and SO sleep deprived, I would often open the door with one of my boobs hanging out!
But I still had people (even close relatives) ask me if I was considering giving little C a little brother or sister!
I was still grappling with the vagues of utter-joy, bewilderment and complete paranoia, that comes with being a new Mom.
Even letting my partner get close to my VJ, was still so far from my mind, that you can bet your last dollar, there was NO WAY I was even thinking about having a second!
With this question, I felt that they weren’t letting me bask in the post-natal glow!!
My answer was more often-than-not, NOT the child-friendly version either.
And lastly, after all that the women before us have gone through to give us the choice to have, or not, children, I find it incredibly dismissive of their hard work, to even pose such a question.
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Why is it that when it comes to children, rearing of children, or even the procreation of a child, everyone forgets that they should use the imaginary filter before speaking?
Thinking before speaking is something we tell our children to do, but we, as adults, sometimes forget to go by that simple societal requirement!
How can we ask better questions?
Whilst I admit that sometimes curiosity can rear its ugly head and nearly push me to say something that I would normally think twice (or thrice) about – I just don’t.
I don’t, because of the countless times I have been on the receiving end of such curiosity.
I understand that people are, by nature, curious beings. But there are times, when you need to take control of that curiosity and not let it dictate your doings, or sayings!
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Sometimes I feel like society has leaped bounds in women’s lib and all, but there are times, when I feel like we are regressing.
Don’t get me wrong, we are moving forward in our way of thinking about women and their pregnancy, or their child-rearing, or their decision to not have children.
Our attitudes towards women who choose to breastfeed, or not, are also shifting.
Our opinions on whether women should return to work when they feel the need to ( reads as – getting as far away from the little gremlins as possible! Said in the most loving and protective way ever!) are also moving, but sometimes, by asking that one innocent question, our role as women takes a nosedive.
Are we only fit to rear children and then once you have, that’s it? Life stops here?
One automatically assumes that because we have been given the chance at motherhood once, that inadvertently, our biological clock is on steroids and we are up and ready to start on another.
As someone who has been gifted the chance of being a Momma to a beautiful and healthy little girl, I am not envisioning on having a second.
Just because it is my choice.
Yet I respect completely those who want, and can have, more!
More importantly, I am NOT okay with people asking me if I am going to have another.
No matter how innocent it may seem at the time.
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So, for the Mamas out there who have been in that position, or those who are dreaming of being in that position, please don’t be afraid to just hand out the proverbial EFF YOU!
Definitely not the most mature solution, but one that makes you feel good!
If you would like to impart to the curious, some form of question-censorship, then do it.
Your choices and decision are only yours to have & take.
Don’t let others make you feel uncomfortable, because they don’t understand your decisions or choices.
This is something we need to keep hammering into, not only our heads, but those of our children.
Empowering their thoughts and decisions needs to be pushed to the forefront, so they can learn that their words matter, and are powerful.
But also, that the manner in which certain things are said, can either be helpful, or hurtful is important.
And lastly, that they must aspire to think before they speak.
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Best tips you need to think before you speak (and teach your children to aim for that too)
Below are my best tips on how WE (adults and children) can all learn how to think before we speak.
Warranting the same behavior to others, that we would expect them to have towards us, is a basic respect.
- Always ensure what you are about to say is not just coming from a hypothesis or allegation
- Pause and double check if your comment is going to be helpful and not hurtful
- Imagine you are on the receiving end of your comment
- What is the “why” behind your comment?
- Your words are powerful, so use them wisely
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Let’s have a look a little bit at each one of these tips, to understand a little bit more how we can learn to think before we speak.
1. Always ensure what you say is not just coming from a hypothesis
We can often get off to a bad start when we are saying something that we haven’t really verified ourselves.
Either because we have heard someone else say it, or we just assume it is true.
For example, when you haven’t received that super important email from someone or haven’t heard from a friend in ages.
You assume the other person has forgotten about you, then you can start thinking up some very creative speculations!
It’s easier to assume things, rather than get the legitimate truth straight from the person themselves.
Never let a guess dictate what you are about to say.
For the person who hasn’t emailed or your friend you haven’t heard of, there are probably logical reasons behind this, so never go the worse and then impulsively say something that you might regret.
Such doings is harmful and you should try never let assumptions dictate your future conversations.
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2. Pause and double check if your comment is going to be helpful and not hurtful
When we are participating in conversations, we don’t always have something pertinent to say.
Sometimes it’s better to stay quiet if we are not really going to be adding something of value to the conversation.
Ever been speaking to people and then there is a sudden lull in the conversation?
For some people this may be stressful, as they feel that they need to be saying something to fill the silence.
Yet, most times, silence can be a good thing.
It’s better to have a blank in the conversation, than just say stuff to fill it in!
When we just babble because we hate silence, we can end up saying things that we don’t mean or that are not really pertinent.
Mentally pausing and checking what words may come out is a valuable tip, so valuable that we often give it to our kids!
Why shouldn’t we follow our own advice?
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3. Imagine you are on the receiving end of your comment
In the heat of the moment, we can sometimes utter words that are definitely not what we intended to say.
This causes qui pro quo and can sometimes be irreversible.
It’s always a good idea to imagine that we are the one receiving the comment.
If what we say to ourselves, is hurtful, spiteful, or even (gasp) uninteresting, it’s best to abstain from saying it to others.
We all dislike being said things that make us feel bad, so for others it’s EXACTLY the same!
Don’t go saying things you wouldn’t want others say to you.
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4. What is the “why” behind your comment?
What is the intent behind what you are saying or about to say?
What do you wish to convey?
Are you wanting to convince?
Clarify?
Build relationships with others?
Whatever your “why”, ensure it is completely in-sync and in-phase with the manner in which you say it, i.e., the words you are using, the tone you use, your body-language and even all your non-verbal facial expressions!
Your purpose needs to be aligned with all of these to ensure your message gets across.
Otherwise emotions can get in the way and no matter how pertinent your comment is, you’ll completely miss the mark by not sticking to the “whole package” of communication!
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5. Your words are powerful, use them wisely
If we are lucky to be able to express ourselves freely, we cannot take this lightly.
Everything we say, has power.
It may not seem so in some instances, but your words are powerful and you cannot be saying things, without having all your communication package aligned!
The manner in which we express things, may it be verbally, in written form or even in song, has power.
It is up to us to never take that lightly, to ensure we communicate effectively and with purpose.
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How to deal with intrusive and personal questions & unwarranted comments?
So, now that you have the best tips on how to learn how to think before you speak, what happens when you are the receptor?
Do you brush off the questioning?
Do you smile politely and hope the question can remain unanswered, or do you just hand out some eff-you-mind-your-own-business as your answer?
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Here are 6suggestions in how you can deal with the prying-type.
Especially those that keep prodding and just don’t have a filter!
- Deflect the question with another one of yours! A great favorite of mine: “Why do you want to know?”
2.Use humor – it may not be the most therapeutic solution, but it can have its effect. By using a joke or sarcasm to diffuse the tension, you can get away with answering the question. Imagine this situation:
Intrusive question: ” When is little C having a brother or sister? “
Humorous answer: ” As soon as bank manager tells me I can! ”
3. Grapple for time. When you don’t know the answer or you just don’t feel like answering the question, ask the person to repeat it. Sometimes, they’ll have to rephrase and it may make them feel uncomfortable, and it will give you time to find a spectacular answer.
4. Shame your interlocutor. Let’s just get things straight, I am not one for shaming – EVER – and this technique should only be used with parsimony. Imagine this situation:
Intrusive question: ” When is little C having a brother or sister? “
Answer: ” Wow, if I had known you were so curious, I may have thought twice about asking you over! “
5. Be mysterious. This suggestion works like a charm for most questions. By answering with a,
” That is such an interesting question. What do you think? “
you can sometimes get away with answering!
6. Know your boundaries and just say “NO”. You are completely entitled to say something like “No. I’m not going to answer that.“, and then walk away!
A dramatic exit is always a guarantee to have a speechless questioner! This is my FAVORITE strategy and works the best for really persistant and incredibly curious people!
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Final thoughts
If you can tick off all of the 5 tips from above, when you wish to say something, then you’re all good to express yourself freely!
However, if there are some that you cannot tick off, nor find a good justification for, so that your future comment isn’t going to sound aggressive or rude, then that’s your cue to remain silent.
Or at least, say something different and maybe find a more appropriate manner in saying it.
And finally, don’t ever forget that you have every right to not answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable.
It is not your responsibility to ensure others feel comfortable with their poor choice of words.
I hope this post plants a little grain in each of you, to use your words wisely, and widely, but to continue thinking before you speak!
And furthermore, that you walk away with great tips and suggestions for learning to deflect answering people’s curious questions, and to know that you are free to choose not to answer them as well.
Elle Ash xo
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