YOUR BOUNDARIES SHOULD ALWAYS BE RESPECTED
Last Updated on October 15, 2020 by ELLEASH
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This post may contain affiliate links, which means that I earn a small commission with every purchase you make through my links, and of course, at no additional cost to you. I do greatly appreciate it, as it helps me run my blog and post content that will help you in your daily life. Please read the full disclosure here. Oh, and just in case — I am NOT a mental health professional! What I write are my experiences, tips & personal advice. If you are in need of help, please don’t hesitate to contact a professional! Please read the full disclosure here concerning that point. Okay, that’s out of the way – READ ON!!
Hey hey my lovely entrepreneurs,
Last Friday …
Friday, I experienced something that is unfortunately something most women have had to deal with since the beginning of time, and will continue to be confronted with. The only thing we can do is continue to call it out and share our stories! Or we can opt for the “thumping” method, highly compatible with stress-relief, but I don’t really recommend it! LOL…
It was just after work, and I was picking up my groceries, when I popped into another store to run an errand. As I got closer to my car, I noticed the car parked to my left was a little close to the driver’s side.
I barely noticed the man standing at the back of his car, going through a bag, in his boot. I didn’t pay much notice to him as I squeezed into my side, either. I did notice that the car was black and that it was a company car, though.
I took off my mask (yup, COVID-19 obliges y’all!) and looked up to him and smiled politely, as he got closer and got into his car. I put the car in gear and drove off to pick up my groceries.
The drive was super short, and the pick-up area was free of people. As I was waiting, and minding my own business, the same car pulls up to the groceries pick-up stand, on the right of me, and the person hollers out, yes ladies, HOLLERS out “Can I buy you a drink?”. I just barely had time to refuse politely, as the lady came out to deposit my groceries in my car. But my sharp tongue was ready to whip-out smart A comments, that would surely put a blush on any sailor! Not for the question he posed, but the manner he voiced it.
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He drove off and I thought that was the end of it. I imagined he regained his senses, after seeing my child-car seat in the back! Alas, I soon found out that he hadn’t given up and was waiting for me as I exited the pick-up area.
I continued on my way and the guy was behind me flashing his lights and turning on blinkers, to (gag) “entice” me to pull over onto the side. AS IF I was going to do that! I kept looking in my rear-view mirror and the guy was still following me and flashing his damn lights. I gestured “no” with my head and kept on driving.
Is it my fault?
Now, I am a grown woman and am not that inexperienced with life, but to tell you I wasn’t a little worried, would be a complete lie! I WAS worried and as I driving around, trying to lose the guy and his incessant light flashing, it got me thinking to, what would happen if I were younger and didn’t know the city well?? Would I panic? Hell yes! Would I stop? I should bloody hope not! Would I be questioning my actions that led to someone follow me around? Absolutely.However, since when does smiling out of pure politeness have any other meaning than just that? Just being effing polite!
This type of thought process really shouldn’t be happening in my head! I didn’t do anything wrong, other than smile. I didn’t egg him on by being flirty, nor was there any malicious intention behind my smile. I was acknowledging the person, by smiling.
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Sure, I may smile easily, but does that mean that every time I encounter someone, I have to stop being me? Do I have to stop smiling because it may signify to people that I am interested in them (in a romantic way)?? Surely not right?! I mean, if I want to seduce, I know how to play the seduction game y’all!
It has taken me such a long time (and I’m still working on it) to actually be comfortable with who I am as a whole, and be proud of what I do and say, that one incident, making me doubt if it was actually my fault, completely infuriates me!
Am I overreacting?
The fact that some ill-educated person has made me question my actions and has riled me up so much is SO frustrating and wrong in so many ways! How dare someone make me, or anyone for that matter, feel like they cannot be themselves for fear of repercussions!
I can’t even fathom the idea that my daughter might, and probably will, one day, be subjected to the exact, awful and neanderthal-like, behavior – despite us being in the 21st century!! Why is it that some men just don’t understand that when we say “no”, it doesn’t mean “convince me”! Quite frankly, it freaks me out that young girls, young women and grown women, have to ever experience any form of aggressive behavior, but more importantly, that they will undoubtedly question their innocent actions, and inevitably change their personality to be accommodating.
Some of you might be thinking that I am over reacting and that I ought to be flattered by the attention, but frankly what is there to be flattered by? The guy was undoubtedly just looking for a one-night fling, and obviously wasn’t cued-in to the social norms of a “no thank you”, so there is nothing to be flattered by.
With Friday’s experience, I delved a little into aggressive personalities and how those that are subjected to this behavior, can counteract or counterattack if needed!
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What is an aggressive personality type?
We all have different personality types which are developed through many factors. According to Dr George Simon’s article,
personality can be defined as an individual’s preferred “style” of perceiving, thinking about, and interacting with others and the world at large. Factors that contribute to the development of personality include biological predispositions, environmental factors, and the dynamic interplay between biology and the environment. Those aspects of an individual’s personality that reflect their capacity for and commitment to virtuous and meritorious conduct define a person’s character.
www.counsellingsource.com
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Aggressive personalities are by far the easiest to pinpoint as their display of conduct is never really subtle! They enjoy positions where they can dominate, exercise power, command and pretty much take on huge responsibilities. The manner in which they can project their aggressiveness is by being unyielding, commanding, bossy, disciplined, never accepting defeat … The list goes on.
Now some of these qualities are for sure positive. However, most times, via these traits, they can also scream, defy the truth, if not blatantly dismiss or disregard it, they are persistent, won’t back down and really only see and accept 2 outcomes:
they win, you lose or you win, they lose.
But you will have guessed it, they really only adhere to the first outcome and will do everything in their power to get there. Even if it means stepping on toes and breaking them in the process!
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The unscripted rules
Obviously, this type of personality poses problems when it comes to relationships and living in a society. No matter how much we would like to make up our own rules and live only by them, the truth of the matter is, we live in society, thus there are rules that need to be respected, otherwise it lands us in hot water with the law. Yet, there are also those unscripted rules, a.k.a. social norms, that are learned throughout our lives and that we can continue to build upon. Despite the personality traits we all have, we mostly know the difference between good and bad. Even if there are exceptions to this rule, for argument’s sake and illustration purposes, it is safe to write, that we are all aware of the notion of good and bad.
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One of those basic societal norms is that hollering or screaming at people is unacceptable! You cannot envisage being friendly, let alone in any form of relationship, with people who will raise their voice at you to get your attention. Of course, again there are circumstances that will call for that, but in everyday life, it’s rare that you bellow for the sake of bellowing.So, to the men who think that shouting out to a woman, from their car, their window or in the street, to get her attention, is your ticket to her heart, or (gag again) even sexy – it most certainly is not. We do not take to that. At all. Never have and never will!
“NO” means “NO”, not “convince me”
Hands up if you were taught that being persistent, know what you want and go get it (no matter what!) was the best way to achieve goals in life? I think most parents have instilled these as esteemed qualities in their kids, and to most these are considered as great qualities to have. However, when it comes to romantic relationships or potential ones, it’s not deemed as highly respectable. Being pushy to obtain a date with a woman, isn’t seen as romantic by most women, despite it being overtly the contrary in TV shows, films, books and even in music clips.
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A guy who asks, asks again and who just keeps on asking until he gets the girl to say “yes” is often always seen as the “grand romantic gesture”, when in fact its message is skewering what we are trying to teach our young girls, that saying no, means no, not convince me. But how can we illustrate that with examples, when our society is teaching girls to “not wear certain clothes to avoid unsolicited attention” rather than teaching boys to “not commit a sexual assault”? This mentality cannot be conducive to changing behaviors, like the one I experienced. Now before I get inundated with emails stating that this in an unfair comment for all the men that ARE respectful towards women, chill.Like I wrote before, this blog post is following an incident that happened to me, and I cannot speak for the great men out there, as I am not a man and cannot give you an account to their unwanted sexual advances from women!
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Feeling unsafe is not right
Ever since I was a young girl, my Mom told me to walk around with a small spray deodorant in my purse, or with my keys in between my index and middle finger, whilst walking to my house or my car. If you are a woman reading this, you will understand. But this shouldn’t be the norm! We shouldn’t have to feel unsafe – ever! And our Mothers shouldn’t be teaching this to us, and we shouldn’t be reiterating the same comments to our daughters – but we have and we will.
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Now, most men wouldn’t even dream of going back in for another rejection, when they ask a woman out and she declines, but for those whose personality type is aggressive or even passive-aggressive, borderline narcissistic, they have absolutely no qualms whatsoever in being persistent, if not pestering. And that is not okay. In real life, when you are pushy and unrelenting in the dating sphere, it’s not called romantic. It’s called harassment!
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When I started my MASTERS degree in the UK, I had broken up with my boyfriend of the time a few months before. When he found out I was in another country, he thought he would fly across the world and try and conquer me back. I had friends who thought it was “so romantic” and that I was “so lucky” to have someone who would fly around the world to “win me back”.
Firstly, let me tell you, that I did not appreciate the “grand romantic gesture”. In fact, it freaked me out more than anything. The mere thought that someone would not understand that a relationship was over, but would still insist and do something as crazy as fly to another continent to try and convince someone that they made a mistake, is beyond my comprehension. Secondly, the terms that people used to describe the actions of my ex-boyfriend completely illustrates how we perceive men who just won’t admit defeat. One, it’s not romantic, it’s harassment, two, I definitely didn’t feel lucky, I felt unsafe and three, I am not a prize to be won!
The whole experienced totally stressed me out and was definitely NOT something I wanted, nor was I expecting, when I was starting on a new scholastic journey!
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We are not playing “hard to get”
This is a classic counter-example of NOT playing hard to get. Ok, so I do get that sometimes some women may need a little persuasion, but there is a major boulevard between a little good-natured persistance and blatant full-out harassment. I didn’t want my ex to hop onto a plane and convince me that he was the one for me. I had obviously made it clear to him that he wasn’t by breaking up with him! I wasn’t moving to another country so that he could jump into a plane and experience his first long-haul flight, to only return home 24h later!My actions were not motivated to ensure he would engage in a “grand romantic gesture” for me!
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Same goes for the man who bellowed out at me and then continued his convincing by flashing his lights and following me around the city!
Pushing the limits of social norms, to get what you want, is not a quality! It indicates that you have sociopathic tendencies, and is a total turn-off for most women. If for any reason, that is something that rocks your boat, then I have no judgement to pass. However, this behavior does not entice me to want to get to know a man who thinks that badgering me, making me uncomfortable and feel unsafe, will “close the deal”, so to speak. It won’t be closed. Like, ever! The only thing closed could possibly be my fist!
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In conclusion
As a conclusion to this post, if you are the type of man who thinks that getting what you want involves overstepping social norms and boundaries, please reconsider crossing my path. And when you cross paths with other women, don’t even think for one minute that your incessant perseverance will be considered a turn-on and make us go back down from our initial refusal. We do not need convincing. We know what we want and are by far the only ones who can decide what we do not want!
For the women out there, who are reading this post and this has happened to you, don’t ever question your actions. Whatever you may have done or said before this pestering, is by no means the door to ungentlemanly behavior. You do not have to accept it, most certainly not tolerate it and you have absolutely every right to call it out.
And for those wondering, the car-chasing stopped when he noticed I was heading towards the police. But should I have really had to come to that?
Elle Ash xo
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